Niche marketing – part 3: What not to pitch…

Just for fun, mostly…

Following part one and part two from last week, here’s a small insight on the gatekeeping job regarding quality control in your niche marketing strategy. In other words, the pitch for your product.

Remember, you are not targeting ‘everyone’. You must target ‘someone’. But that ‘someone’ must also pass stringent quality control tests.

If you were to market yourself as an author suggesting that your work is for any of the following, try reconsidering your pitch. Or maybe, reconsidering your actual writing:

  • Dear HarperCollins, please find attached my 380,000 word crime novel, aimed at parolees attempting the world speed record for re-arrest by providing them with some ideas.
  • Dear Mr. R. House, enclosed is my 25,000 word novella, it is aimed at teetotal virgins and window-lickers with short attention spans.
  • Dear Harlequin, would you be interested in considering my medium-length romantic comedy about an everyday girl who meets an Average Joe over a wilting cup of tea and a nice hot potted plant? I think it would be just perfect for 59-year-old cat-lady spinsters hoarding M&S carrier-bags under the stairs to make them look like they don’t shop at Lidl’s.
  • Dear Messrs Simon & Schuster, I have written a pop-up book aimed solely at Walmartians. Help me cure them.
  • Dear PacMan Millan, I am a huge fan of your video game. Would you like to purchase an idea for a book? I have not yet given it a title as I am aware that a publisher is likely to choose it for me, as well as choosing my pen-name, but I was thinking of targeting existing fans of the ‘Apple Lisa’ computer to cash in on product placements.
  • Dear Little Brown Company, I have run out of paper to write on, so please excuse the turnip. It was quite heavy to mail, so I have not included return postage. I would love to send you my book of sonnets written with Paraguayan male youth fraternity members of Opus Dei in mind who have lost a limb or a head to frostbite. Please rush me 25 sheets of unmarked A4 paper and a Hewlett Packard ink cartridge so that I can print it out for you.

Remember – you can do better than that. Don’t be so specific that your entire potential readership could be contained in a small igloo, Pop-Tent, or holding cell. Be smart. Don’t describe real people, they will scare the crap out of the publishers (and the public). Use your imagination – you know, that thing you used when writing your book in the first place while endless dollar, Euro and pound signs (or turnips) floated before your eyes… 🙂

Aphex Twin ‘Window Licker’

Nick Holmes from Paradise Lost recommends the video to this track, allegedly… search for it if you dare…

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One thought on “Niche marketing – part 3: What not to pitch…

  1. That was hilarious!! How about: Dear Tony Supermodel Mag: I have a short story for weird nerds who play video games under their covers in costumes or swill mead at Ren Faires. LOL

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