Pump Friction: A Zombie Parody

Tricky ‘Excess’ – fan edit video, from ‘Queen of the Damned’…

Neither of the zombies in charge of the stolen booty move. They just stand, stock-still, with the golden clockwork hand and the leather-bound diary on their respective red velvet cushions.

The Lady Glandula’s own hands, in contrast, seem keen to get in on the undressing-Ace-Bumgang action, as his oil-stained overalls become evidently reluctant to shift below his waist in the bathwater.

“You are a tease, Mr. Bumgang!” she gasps, wrenching ineffectually at his belt.

Perhaps it has shrunk in the wet. My hopes of Ace deliberately saving himself, for a deadly secret crush he’s concealing from everyone, soar to my dizzy heights of fantasy. Of course, if he can keep a secret like being The Stig on Top Gear, he’d definitely be able to disguise where his true love lies…

“And you’re cheating,” he remarks in response, uncurling the wandering alien tentacle from around his neck. “You have an extra limb sprouting from your… from underwater. Supposing I put this in my mouth and bite it, what happens?”

“Ooohh,” she muses, glowing green zombie eyes narrowing, fang-like teeth baring in a smile. “Why don’t you try it and see?”

I notice that the zombie guard, relegated to bartender, has apparently finished formulating whatever cocktails are order of the day for bath-side service, as he arranges crystal chalice-style glasses on a silver tray.

Yes… imminent distraction looming… now all I have to do is prioritise my targets…

I find myself wondering, as the potential outcomes for a pro-active strike unroll in my mind, what would Crispin Dry do in this situation? Or Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft? Or Gordon Ramsay… er, maybe not, in that case. Too many theoretical cooks spoil the plot, and all that…

Do I go for the diary, or for the clockwork hand first? An image of Carvery Slaughter crosses my mind, reading my own diary and sniggering, while I was at work – on God knows how many occasions. The thought fuels my indignation…

Stay focused, Sarah!

I try to estimate the pace of the bartender zombie as he approaches the marble bathtub, while attempting to ignore the distracting sounds of sloshing bathwater, and the slurping of those alien tentacle suction cups, all over the body of Ace Bumgang…

“You will not be disappointed, Mr. Bumgang,” Lady Glandula’s voice says, oozing over him like treacle. “I have exhausted many armies in my time.”

“It’s not my armies that are complaining,” Ace quips, still keeping himself braced at arm’s length, both hands on the marble side of the tub, against the hungry pull of the tentacle trying to draw him in closer.

The zombie attendant places the tray on the edge of the bath, and Lady Glandula de Bartheline, momentarily preoccupied zombie queen, reaches out towards it.

Strike, Sarah, while the iron is hot!

I dive through the silk gauze drapes towards the nearest static zombie guard, and make a frantic, one-chance-only grab at the display cushion in his arms…

A heavy silken tassel at the bottom of the curtain snags on the end of my nose in the headlong plunge, and blinded by fancy knot-work and cord, I force my hands to close anyway, on the estimated location of my target…

A great ripping noise of tortured fabric follows the continuation of my dive onto the fantastically embellished rug – and I roll, shaking my head in an attempt to dislodge the detached tassel, now quite intimate with my right nostril.

In my hands, I have it – I can’t quite believe it, but I have it…

I leap upright, helplessly spitting out bits of tassel.

“Nobody move!” I shriek, several octaves higher than normal, due to the nasal blockage, and the effects of a rotational wedgie in the pyjama-bottom department. I brandish the golden clockwork hand between my own, as if it’s a genuine Dirty Harry .44 Magnum. “Any of you zombie pigs move, and I will eradicate every tentacle-sucking last one of you!”

Warning – contains classic Tarantino language: The original ‘Pulp Fiction’ clip 🙂

More mindless mayhem: The Zombie Adventures of Sarah Bellum

Also available for all other devices, and online reading, on Smashwords

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