Countdown to going solo 6…

Had quite an interesting email chat on the dating site today. Mostly about books, which isn’t unusual. No further dates though.

However, I did kill time in between writing some more of the sequel to Death & The City, and replying to messages, by checking out the Browse Images feature on the dating site. And nothing changes there either, it looks like…

Okay. To put it bluntly… here’s how some of those pics translate in the mind of a female novice to dating…

  • PHOTO FEATURING PINT OF BEER/BOTTLE/ANY SORT OF ALCOHOL: Face it, you’re an alcoholic. Or wouldn’t mind meeting one. Or have a product placement deal.
  • DARK GLASSES: You are wanted for questioning, or by Immigration.
  • BALACLAVA/CRASH HELMET: You have made regular appearances on CCTV and have had many speeding tickets.
  • PHOTO TAKEN IN BEDROOM: Woman thinks “Is that a single bed? And no curtains?!”
  • PHOTO TAKEN IN BATHROOM: Not impressive, unless your bathroom is the size of Westminster Abbey.
  • PHOTO TAKEN IN CAR: The only place you could take own photo and not be caught by either wife, workmates, or pub landlord.
  • PHOTO OF CAR ONLY: Could be anyone’s car.
  • PHOTO OF SPORTING EVENT: Please, only if you are good at it, or dressed as the mascot.
  • PHOTO OF DOG: No.
  • PHOTO OF KITTEN: Cute. But still no. Could be anyone’s kitten.
  • NEKKID PHOTO: Depending on size of screen being browsed on, can be very unflattering.
  • NEKKID PHOTO CUDDLING DOG: No room for woman on sofa. And just wrong.
  • BLACK-AND-WHITE PHOTO: You are embarrassed about having freckles.
  • PHOTO IN DEF LEPPARD T-SHIRT: You lied about your age.
  • PHOTO GAZING ADORINGLY UP AT WAXWORK OF SUSAN BOYLE IN MADAME TUSSAUD’S: You lied about your height.
  • PHOTO TAKEN AT WEDDING: So you’re married already – or this was taken ten years ago since it says you’re now divorced.
  • PHOTO ASLEEP: Not in the habit of staring at sleeping men. And who took it?
  • PHOTO CUT IN HALF SHOWING MYSTERIOUS ARM DRAPED AROUND NECK: *Automatically looks for wedding ring on disembodied draping hand.*
  • PHOTO OF PARACHUTE JUMP/SKYDIVE: Makes you look like Wallace out of Wallace & Grommit.
  • PHOTO RECLINING ON HEARTH IN FRONT OF 3-BAR ELECTRIC FIREPLACE: Not even if you are George Hamilton or Hugh Hefner.
  • PHOTO WITH YOUR 22-YEAR-OLD SON: Hey, wouldn’t mind meeting him.
  • PHOTO TAKEN AT FESTIVAL: You rarely change your trousers, and smell of bong.
  • PHOTO WITH 35 OF YOUR MATES: Which one are you? And the one at the back looks fit.
  • PHOTO OF YOUR TATTOO: Everyone has tattoos. And mine’s bigger.
  • PHOTO OF YOU SURROUNDED BY SCANTILY-CLAD WOMEN: Why are you here?!
  • PHOTO OF THE LAST FISH YOU CAUGHT: Unless it’s a Great White Shark.
  • PHOTO HIDING BEHIND TREE WAITING TO JUMP OUT AT SMALL CHILD: Nearly reported that one! Holy crap! Without even a tag describing what was happening?!! Kids in photos not recommended anyway. But that one, definite no-no. Play Hide-and-Seek in your own time. Wrongtastic all the way.
  • PHOTO OF JASON PRIESTLEY: Yes, we ALL remember him.

Now, this is going to be a contentious issue, I can tell. But maybe you guys are all still on these sites for a reason. Or shouldn’t be on them at all. For every photo of you on a moped is going to be another on a Harley. For every photo of you meeting Steve Davis is one of someone else meeting Simon Cowell.

If you were just being yourselves, not trying to fulfil what you imagine women want to see (viz, the fireplace, the ski goggles – they’re only sexy when we know James Bond is behind them) – you might not need to try so hard. Or be on these sites at all. Have a bit of confidence. Take back the manly role in being a man, instead of waiting for the internet to introduce you to Britney Spears or Angelina Jolie.

And it’d be nice to see more photos of guys smiling when they’re sober.

The strangest thing is the tag lines – things like FUN FUN FUN!! and ALL LAUGHS ALL THE WAY!! and even I WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, posted above some of the most miserable, gloomy, unhappy expressions I’ve ever seen outside of a Post Office queue. Wow. At least match your face to the tag line, or vice-versa…

And they add things like ‘Not my best pic’ (so why not use the best one?) or ‘Better looking in real life or so I’m told’ (me too, in that case!). Frequently ‘Look and act younger than my age’ which requires a bit of quantum physics. Especially considering if they have said they’re 44, look 72, and have on a badger wig that would have made Limahl proud.

But there are some very funny and intelligent profiles among the decidedly dodgy ones. Sadly, they’re also still waiting for Britney Spears. 😉

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